A hint of seriousness

Abby has once again inspired me to write a blog. I need to heal somehow, and for me writing is the way (along with hours of therapy). I don't write much anymore. I would say I don't have time, but I do. I just... I don't want to write the things I think... out of fear of sounding crazy I guess. Another reason I don't write is because, well... It is hard to explain. Let me just say I have inner tattle tails...

I won't lie, I do like my therapist. He is probably the best one I've had, and trust me... I've had plenty. He gets me, I think. I don't know. It is hard to know when someone "gets" you. He doesn't make me sign saftey contracts, which is nice. He does make me promise not to hurt myself, which is much better than a contract I guess. Many therapists before him made me sign contracts. How pointless, really. I mean, what is a piece of paper? I think for the contract to have to work, the therapist has to completely trust the patient... And what therapist does? I mean, isn't it always in the back of their mind that they are not a trusting person? I think the patient feels that too. I don't want to trust my therapist because I know he doesn't trust me. He has a right to not trust me too. I mean, I do things that are "unacceptable" (to use Abby's words).

I remember my first therapist as an adult (you know, the one I got to choose instead of my parents choosing). It was a woman (that is an important detail). I went into counseling because of marriage problems, but I was hoping I could work on some personal things too. I went in the first day and she gave me an IQ test. The next session she told me I had a high enough IQ to figure things out on my own. I'm not kidding (I wish I were). I no longer see female therapists (it just ruined it for me. I now associate female therapists with crap). This however, is when I learned to hate safety contracts...

My next therapist was the biggest jerk in the world (I swear I'm not exaggerating). He didn't believe a word I said... He wouldn't even believe the lies I told to make him believe me. I made myself go for 6 months, thinking I would warm up to him. I didn't. What I want to know is why this experience didn't turn me off of male counselors? Of course, what else is there? I tried telling him some symptoms I was having, he didn't believe them. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. In other words... a manipulative liar. I left treatment.

I was in treatment with my next therapist for almost 4 years. He was a good person. A good therapist. I believe he cared about me and my healing process. He believed me. He believed my symptoms. Overall, it was great. He helped me through my divorce and some personal issues. He admitted me to a psych unit, which sucked... but I understood. I appreciated him. Then I got a job offer in Idaho and had to move. Suckfest... time to find a new counselor.

I wasn't going to. I was going to try to stick it out. Two months in Idaho and I was DONE with trying to handle life on my own. So, I went to therapistlocator.net and looked up counselors in my area. I e-mailed 5. Two e-mailed back. The first one said they didn't "deal with" clients like myself (whatever the eff that means). The second e-mailed within a few days. He sounded okay. I mean, he didn't freak when I told him my "diagnosis". So, I went in. I was apprehensive. I was vauge. I lied. Heck, I still try to lie. Good thing I'm a horrible liar. So here I am today. In counseling with a therapist that hasn't kicked me out of his office yet for being too smart or too crazy. It's almost a miracle (if I believed in God).

Anyway, I felt I needed to write all that... for background I guess. I hope that when I'm a counselor I can be great. We'll see.

More to come about my healing journey...