Fake?

I am so confused. I try to be an honest person. I try not to be fake. Most my friends know the "real" me. So why in the world do I feel the need to be fake with my therapist? The therapist I have now is probably the best I've had. He knows how much to push and when not to push. I have really opened up to him about a lot of stuff! He knows things no one knows... Why do I still feel like I have to fake it with him though? I go in and downplay my depression. I try to fool him about my suicidality. I don't want to promise to be safe. Why? He is the one person that doesn't judge me... So why am I screwing it up? I don't want to blow it and end up quitting. I know I need therapy, without it I'm a huge disaster... How do I do it though? How do I stay honest? How do I keep going in therapy without being fake?

Senny passed away last night after a battle with Leukemia. That kinda screwed my day up.

Everything is screwed up. I am in therapy to "heal" and yet I can't be honest enough in therapy to do so.

Life sucks.