A couple movies and a few pictures

<------- The spookster <----- Loving play time! <------ not loving the dog <------- Pretty kitty

<------ More hoar frost <----I might be obsessed <------- Beauty

Last night mom and I went to see 2012 at the “cheap theater”. I didn’t have high expectations going in, but I DID enjoy it!! The plot was a little loose… but the special effects were AWESOME!!! I am SO glad I saw it on the big screen. I have a total crush on John Cusack… so…  8/10.

Just a while ago, mom and I watched “The last house on the left”. Holy shiz guys, this movie was GROSS! Scared the crap out of me, but mostly it was just gory and disgusting. Totes would not recommend it! I guess if you totally love horror/gore flicks, you might like it. Otherwise, steer clear! 1/10!

Back to work tomorrow… Should be fun, I guess. This week I have a dentist appointment, which totally sucks… but I should survive. Lost starts on Tuesday and I am SO excited it is coming back on TV for one last season! Hopefully when the season ends I will be less “lost”… But I kinda doubt it.

We have started to think about our family trip this summer. I am excited to see my nieces and nephew and brother and sister! Rosie will be ONE in March and I haven’t seen her since she was 2 weeks old!!!!! I can’t wait to see her again!!! Marisa will turn 6 this summer and will start Kindergarten! Wow! Time really does fly!

Happy Sunday ♥

Hoar frost

Hoarfrost (or white frost) “is the tiny solid deposition of warter vapor from saturated air which occurs when the temperature of the surfaces is below freezing point. It occurs generally with clear skies” (http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Hoar_frost).

Sometimes life sucks… and things seem pretty ugly. There is war and child abuse and debt and drama. But then there is beauty. (I know this is getting sappy guys, stick with me). I’ve been feeling sorry for myself lately. I have to wear oxygen now when I sleep because apparently I don’t breathe enough… I stubbed my toe a GOOD one today, my ankle is puffy and feels broken, I’m tired. Poor me. But this morning when I went outside to leave for work, one of my favorite things had happened… Hoar frost. (Not to mention the sun shined today). So, even though life sucks sometimes… There is a lot of pretty stuff to admire!

My 6th grade student and I took these pictures today during recess. It was so fun to see how RS reacted to the beautiful trees!. RS took all the photos except the one where he is running to slide across the ice. (Click the image to see it larger).

A new book review (and a quick story)

<-------- sissy drink???

Before I go off on a book review tangent… I have to tell you a funny story. So, as you read, I went to the doctor yesterday. He was a saint and gave me pain killers… which I can’t take during the day because, well, I work with children and I have to stay sharp! Anyway… My doctor (Dr. L.) is actually pretty awesome. He’s pretty young, so he’s got that going for him… and his beard is full and totally coolio. So… As I’m telling him about my horrid headache, whining and crying (like I do), we get on the topic of caffeine. He tells me he drinks A LOT of Diet Mountain Dew. He USE to drink Diet Coke… but he thought that was a sissy drink, so he switched. He also has conspiracy theories about Wal-Mart that are pretty rad. I will tell you those theories at a later time :)

So… On to the book review.

Let me preface this by saying I have nothing against those members of the FLDS (or any other religious person). These are solely my opinions and I own them ;)

This was a SAD book. It is the story of Elissa Wall, a member (former) of the FLDS church. She was raised to believe in the FLDS prophet and priesthood. Her large family struggled through life, and it was difficult for her growing up. At age 14 she was given (for marriage) to her first cousin (an older man). This cousin had always been very horrible to her growing up, and she had no loving feelings toward him. She knew nothing about marriage or sex (they are taught the opposite sex are like poisonous snakes). Her cousin/husband rapes her throughout their marriage (she doesn’t know it is rape until much later). She tries talking to the prophet many times (Rulon Jeffs, then later Warren Jeffs). They tell her to “keep sweet” and listen to their priesthood head (husband).

I don’t want to give too much of the book away, but it is good/sad. I honestly didn’t know much about the FLDS people or religion (other than the bad publicity on TV). It really opened my eyes to the way the members (mainly women) are treated. Elissa Wall had a terrifying and painful life. I would recommend this book. (As a side note, I think polygamy is gross. I don’t think any woman should have to share her husband. Especially with cousins and sisters and such).

9/10 rating for me!

Pain killers

This is what my head feels like

  This pictures make me happy.

I post this while on pain killers… so forgive me :)

 

peopleofwalmart.com makes me laugh. Seriously.

My laptop charge cord is dead. I had to buy a new one and that sucks. For real.

I feel like I am being stabbed with an ice pick… Um, yes yes…

American Idol makes me giggle. For shiz.

Shout out to my bestie Lori who just became a grammy! Canyon Walker is super cute!

Something more positive!

Wow… Have I been a downer or what?!?! I read back over my last few posts and, holy cow… I need an upper :) My life is actually pretty awesome right now. I really do love my job even when the kids are fighting me and everyone else! I love the kids I work with, I mean seriously guys… they are awesome kids. “RT” is always reading me stories and laughing and laughing all the way through. “Giggle, Giggle, Quack” is one of our favorites. Sitting with him while he reads honestly brightens my day more than anything! And he’s doing SO good too! Even though “RS” is a handful, I really do care for him and just hope for the best. I have awesome co-workers too. I mean, they keep me laughing all day! Seriously, if you had these co-workers you’d love your job too! I don’t just like them at work, I like them outside of work too… which is sayin’ something (although there are a couple of co-workers whom I actually dislike very much, the rest of them make up for it!)

Yesterday I started my group observation internship. I am observing a juvenile sex offender group at JCC (Juvenile correction center). Last night I was a bit nervous. I thought I would struggle with this particular group… but I didn’t. I loved it. I thought it was a great experience and I can’t wait to continue attending!

And, even though I hate talking and emotions, I do have a pretty good counselor. He sticks with me when I don’t feel like I can stick with myself. So, it’s good. I’m good (even though a mental breakdown sounds nice some days) :)

I realize that Abby is probably right about the sensible shoes. I have only ever had 2 female counselors… My very first counselor was female, but I was pretty young, so I don’t remember her shoes. My other female counselor was a jerk! She told me I had too high of an IQ to be feeling sorry for myself… So, I did not pay attention to her shoes. And, maybe all men’s shoes seem sensible… because honestly, how uncomfortable can they be? Right? But Psychiatrists still wear crazy earrings and plucking eyebrows is still awesome!

So, there you have it… a happy post :) ♥

 

PS. These are the cutest cats ever! :)

Emotions = suck

As an aspiring therapist, I want people to talk about their emotions and feelings. But... I don't want to talk about emotions. I have emotions and they suck and I really hate them. So tomorrow was the day I planned to tell my therapist I was done. I was done with talking and emotions and crap. But now I'm scared. I'm scared to lose my lifeline. I'm scared I will bury these emotions and get sick. I don't want to be the old me. I don't want to be the me that is crazy and incapable of dealing with life and crap. I want so desperately to be normal. To have friends. To date. To experience life. If I quit on therapy, what will life be. If I don't deal with these issues, can I ever move on? This sucks.

A little bit personal

I haven’t written many blogs that are personal. I guess I just worry that people will think of me differently… maybe I hope people will view me differently. Anyway…. Anyone who knows me probably knows that I have spent a lot of time in therapy. I started therapy when I was about 8, and have been going ever since (on and off anyway). Therapy has been pretty good for me… I have had a few loser therapists… but overall they have been pretty competent. I want to be a therapist… so I understand the theory of it all… but I hate being on the couch. They all look the same, blue or green, mostly with plaid or stripes. The degrees and awards on the wall. The one or two family photos. A plant (fake 99% of the time), and the therapist with the sensible shoes and matching socks, the casual but not so casual shirt… It all looks the same. It all feels the same. and I FEEL the same. Unable to talk about the shit that is really in my head. I avoid those topics by small talking… talking about college or the movies I’ve seen and books I’ve read. I talk about the people that bug me, but not the roots of it all. I don’t talk about my past, because that is exactly the stuff I want to keep to myself. So… what exactly has 20 years of therapy and thousands of dollars given me? NOTHING! But I’m okay most of the time. I’ve gotten rid of many bad habits, and have possibly gained some good habits. Is this making sense? I’m afraid it probably doesn’t. My session Friday sucked… I mean, really sucked. Not because “J” sucks… but because talking sucks. So, I think I need a break… like a LONNNGGGG break! So. Yes. I’m done with therapy. I want to be the therapist with the sensible shoes and degrees on the wall but I DO NOT want to be on the ugly couch any longer. Yes, I do know this post makes no sense… I’ll work on being more clear the next time I write something personal :)

PS. I ♥ my new blog design. What do you think?

12 A.M. 911 call…

 I woke up at Midnight because my neighbors were SCREAMING… “Get off my effing property”… blah blah blah. So, I did some of this : 

I saw my two guys beating the crap out of each other……

 

So, I decide to call 911… I explain to them that I’m peeking through my window and 2 guys are trying to kill each other with fists… Cops come, sobriety tests involved, 2 hours later no arrests but fight is over. So, I fall back to sleep and thank heavens I didn’t witness something more serious. I hate having crazy neighbors, but I think 911 is getting used to my calls :)

PS. I’m happily quitting therapy, effective immediately. Story to come later, maybe… if you wanna hear it.

Sometimes life is unfair…

Okay, so I know this post is going to be a downer… But at least I warned you! Just like the title says, sometimes life isn’t fair. Good people get sick and die and “bad” people get healthier and richer. The other day I found out David (My friend that has been in the hospital with Meningitis and brain abscesses) has permanent brain damage. He has a hole in the left side of the brain, and pretty severe damage to the whole left side of his brain. While talking with Lori (his wife, and my 2nd mom) I found out that the left side of our brain helps us with reasoning and emotions. Although he has relearned to walk, and can say a few words (and will probably be able to speak more as time goes), he will have to have 24 hour supervision either at home with a healthcare nurse or in some kind of institution. Of course their insurance only pays for 60 days in inpatient rehab… So the money thing is going to be a big issue. David will most likely function at a 7ish year old level for the rest of his life. Lori’s older boys understand, they are adults and can understand how the brain works and what the healing process entails. Their younger boys however are only 5 and 7. How will they understand that their father is alive, but doesn’t know how to be a father? How will they adjust to life with a dad that doesn’t remember them much of the time? Who can’t help with their homework and cuddle them when they are sad? Of course a miracle could happen… Miracles do happen, I have seen them… But I have to be realistic. I have to prepare myself. I have to be okay with having a friend (and father-figure) that has brain damage, and will most likely not remember me or the times we spent together. I want to be a support for Lori and her boys. I want to be someone they can turn to when they don’t think they can handle it anymore. But before I can do that, I have to grieve the loss of a friend but also celebrate the fact that Davis IS alive! He is alive! He will continue to bless us in many ways, even if it isn’t the way we wish it could be. I’m getting to a place where I can be okay, but I’m not there yet. When I think about life for the Duke family, I cry. I cry because they DON’T deserve it… Because they are GOOD people. People who believe and trust in God more than anyone I know. They have good hearts and they do the right thing, always. I guess life isn’t fair… but I wish in this case it were.

Yesterday after work I logged into Facebook and found that a friend from high school passed away. I don’t know how he died, but I do know that he left behind a wife and a one year-old little boy. I know that he was always nice to me in school, even when other kids weren’t. He was probably a good husband and father (I haven’t seen him since high school… So I’m just guessing). Even though we weren’t close friends, we didn’t “hang out” in high school… We didn’t keep in touch after high school… I grieve. I grieve because so many people I went to high school with, some I was close to and some I wasn’t, have died. They have died young, TOO young. They have left behind parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, wives, husbands, and children. They have left behind the people who knew them, that respected them, that loved them. Bret Blakey was only 27 years old. He has left behind his wife and small child. I grieve for his family.

Working with the kids at school makes me realize more than anything that life isn’t fair. The kids I work with have some kind of behavioral or emotional “disturbance”… Most of them (not all) have been abused, abandoned, neglected, starved, lied to, etc… Although they are pretty naughty kids I can’t help but think about their life at home. I can’t help but want to hug them and tell them everything will be okay….. But everything WON’T be okay. Their lives are hell and there is nothing that I can do about it. It makes me angry, ANGRY! Their parents keep custody of the kids and no consequences are ever given. Why do the bad people get all the glory? Why do the faithful and loving have so many more trials?

I wish I knew…

Kids say the darndest things

I have had a hell week! Work has been a nightmare! My sixth grade “client” has been SO naughty! He won’t do anything and is so defiant and disrespectful! I am just at my wits end with him… He told me today that I am “ruining his life”, that he is naughty because of me, that he hates me, and that I am “insulting” him (etc, etc, etc). I just laugh and brush it off… I mean, he’s 12! But, after awhile I do start to take it personally. It makes me feel inadequate at my job when I can’t control his behavior. I was totally fishing for a compliment and/or validation from the principal today… I said, “I SUCK at my job!” (thinking of course that she would say, “no, no, you are doing great!) NO, she didn’t say ANYTHING! So much for that fishing trip!

Well, to make it better my little 3rd grade client was telling me all about how he was going to capture a tiger (and I mean, this was an IN-DEPTH story!) He told me that he was going to name it Kendra, after me of course! UNLESS, it were a mean tiger… Then he wouldn’t… because “you’re not mean”…… What a tender little boy! Well, he can throw one heck of a tantrum, but lately he’s been just sweet and loving! I’m glad to know that I’m only ruining one student’s life!

I hope next week will be BETTER! I HOPE, HOPE, HOPE!!! (or maybe we could get a snow and/or cold day… PLEASE!)

I’m currently reading “Number the Stars by Lois Lowry. I read it when I was a little tyke… decided I wanted to read it again.

I’m going to write a lot juicier, personal stuff if I ever get readers/stalkers/comments :) hint, hint :)

I just think it’s lame to write about troubles and life and personal stuff when I can’t get some advice! :)

So, yeah.

A horrible book…

Okay, by now you’ve probably figured out that I LOVE books… I often read psychology or self-help books… Regardless of my past, I’ve been able to read books that may be triggering without problems. My therapist always recommends I DON’T read books about abuse, self-injury, and trauma, because it could be triggering… but I’ve always gone against his wisdom and read them anyway… NEVER had an issue… LOVE these kinds of books. I love them mostly because they give me strength to keep on keepin’ on… But, yesterday I read the book “Push” By Sapphire. The new movie “Precious” (not being shown in Idaho) is based on this book. It is a book about a “learning challenged” student who is raped by her father and births 2 children before 16. I won’t go into details, but it is a GRAPHIC book. I didn’t think it would be too bad, I mean… they made a movie out of it, so how bad could it be?? BAD! This book is triggering!!! I had to finish reading it, because… well, I started it. But it was horrible. It was sad and disturbing and awful. I don’t know HOW in the world they would ever make a movie out of it. I hated the book. It was 10 times worse than “The Color Purple” (which was pretty dang sad!) So, I give it a 7/10 on writing quality, but a 1/10 for substance. Blah!

P.S. It is COLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD! It was –19 this morning… It has to be –20 to get out of school/work… and trust me, our superintendent is a STICKLER about it… So we were at work today. I hope tomorrow is EVEN colder so I can SLEEP IN!!! :)

The Last Lecture

 Have you read this book? Well, I just finished it… and I thought it was GREAT! I bought the book 6 or so months ago, but because of graduate school reading, I put it on my shelf and forgot about it. Well, because I read too much when I’m not in school I ran out of books to read! So, I searched my shelf for something to re-read while my mom read Push (a book I ordered from Amazon but let my mom read first). So, as I’m perusing my bookshelf, this book catches my eye. It was like Christmas morning to find a book in MY HOUSE that I haven’t read! So… Of course I read it (DUH). I’ve heard a couple of professors give a “Last Lecture”. Usually it goes something like, “fulfill your dreams, you can do it, I’m awesome, and I quit!” So, I didn’t have too high expectations for the book. I honestly bought it because it was so popular (SO LAME, I know!) Now that I am finished with the book I can see WHY it is so popular. Randy Pausch was an amazing man. It was painful to read knowing this poor guy died of a painful, incurable cancer. He left behind a wife and 3 SMALL children, but he also left behind a lot more! His views on “childhood dreams” is magical. It makes me remember all of the things I wanted to be when I “grew up”. Still today I have small dreams of who I want to be or what I want to do… but why can’t I do them? A little hope and a lot of hard work, and I can make it! This guy is a cheerleader for a lot of people, including me! Some parts of the book are technical, funny, and sad… and I wanted to cry at the end for his children that will never know him… but I also had to be happy that he could leave an important message before he left this world. I KNOW this is a SUPER sappy post, but really… Sometimes I need little reminders that my life could SUCK so much worse. I need to be thankful for my family, health, education, and dreams. I need to live because so many people die too young. I don’t want to waste my precious time being depressed or glum… because some people don’t have a chance to achieve all the things I want to!

I’m not going to say that this is the BEST book I’ve ever read… it isn’t…. but it is a book that will stick with me. I give it 7.5/10 (but it probably deserves a 9 on the emotional scale) :) So, I do recommend this book… and not just because it’s popular!!

First book reviews of the year…

 I am not a person who can read and enjoy a book over a few weeks… I have to read a book in a day (2 if it’s long). I hate reading a chapter and putting it down. Because of this, I only read when I know I have enough time to read the entire book (or at least a good long portion of it). If I were interested in reading Harry Potter (which I am not) I would have to read the entire series over a weeks time. This isn’t always easy, especially when I’m taking classes… but since I’m on the tail end of Christmas vacation, I decided to read a few books. First, I read “Shattered Silence” by Melissa G. Moore. This book is written by the daughter of a serial killer (The Happy Face Killer). I got it for Christmas, and was excited to read it! This is one I read in just a few hours. It kept my attention from the first page. (I was excited that it was published in Springville, UT… My home town). In this book, the author (Melissa) explains her suffering, but it isn’t in a way that is normal “I hate my life, I’m going to attempt suicide and drinking and drugs all at once” type of autobiography. Trust me, I have read a lot of books that are like that… and I like most of them… However, I enjoyed the positive attitude the author has throughout her most depressing life. Throughout most of the book I was wishing I was her… Not with a serial killer dad and abusive step-father and that bit… but I wished I had her positive outlook on life… her intuition! Her intuition and positive attitude drew me in, made me understand that life may suck at times… but I am ultimately in control of what happens, and how I handle it. This was not a self-help book… it was an autobiography… but I most def want to get my money back for the nonsense Dr. Phil writes about (no offense Dr. Phil, I still love you). I seriously-so-seriously will probably read this book a couple more times! It gets a 9.5/10 on my review scale! (which by the way means nothing!) :)

Next up, I read “Breathless” by Dean Koontz. This book was a FAST read… and if you read Koontz and appreciate his light humor and animal loving self… you will love this book. The book is about a single man with a lovely dog who comes across a mystery in the animal kingdom. Along with a Veterinarian friend and others they go on a search to figure it out…. BUT at the same time other mysteries are happening around the country… These mysteries may or may not be connected to the single man’s discovery. I really can’t describe it anymore without giving it away! If you have never read any of Koontz’s books, it may be a little far fetched for you… but if you’ve enjoyed the Odd Thomas series or “Your Heart Belongs To Me” or any others like those, you will appreciate this book. Koontz has a way with words, they are like candy to my mind… That sounds corny, but it’s true! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the way Koontz describes characters, animals, and eerie situations! So, if you are a Koontz fan, it’s great! If you aren’t, I still think you’ll like the light nature and mystery in it. It does keep you guessing! My rating 8/10.

Last, but not least… I re-read “Speak” By Laurie Halse Anderson. Anyone who has known me longer than a few days knows I love to read Young Adult literature. Maybe it’s because I’m a kid at heart, or maybe it’s because they are fast and light (well, most of them), I’m not sure of the reason exactly, but I read a lot! I love the “Magik” series and all the books by Ellen Hopkins (She writes some MAD rhymes!) Anyway… Speak might be considered a Young Adult book… but who cares? It’s GOOD. It’s about a young girl who calls the cops at a high school party. Her ninth grade year SUCKS because of it… Nobody likes her, and to top it off she does not speak. Her parents get SUPER frustrated, along with the teachers (like Mr. Neck who sounds like a total d-bag!) I have read this book before, but read it again today… I don’t know why I picked that book out of the hundreds I have, but it lifted my mood a little. It reminds me of how I need to be… Not a speechless girl, but a strong, independent woman. It is a really great book, and I recently recommended it to my 15 year old cousin. It isn’t a “bad” (by bad, I mean in a parents eyes) book… it is true (well, I think it’s fiction…) But it is true in the sense that people can relate to it!! I sure do! I give this a 10/10 for shiz!