My crazy life

Life has been cRaZy. I don’t even know where to start… or if I should start. Everything is super stressful right now, and it is mostly because I’m not doing very well at prioritizing my time. I am never home anymore… Between Parker’s activities, work, internship, school, trainings, doctors, etc. Whoa, I’m tired! Parker gets the cast off his finger on Tuesday (we hope!) It has been a long recovery and he is REALLY tired of wearing the cast. Because the hard cast is underneath a temporary wrap, he is always tempted to take it off. Yesterday I nearly had to bribe him to keep it on. I know it must be hot and itchy, and it is getting stinky! We can’t wait until Tuesday!

I’m having a ganglion cyst removed from my wrist on Wednesday. It’s nothing major, they don’t even knock me out… It is just quite painful and sits on a nerve, so my hand goes to sleep quite often. I hope the surgery helps.

I have to take the National Counselors Exam (NCE) in 23 days. I’m SO nervous! It is a big deal! It was 320 bucks to sign up for it, and it’s only offered twice a year. So if I fail, I have to fork out another $320 AND wait until April to take it. So, I’m going to be crazy studying until then. My internship has really picked up! I have 8-10 clients per week on average. I’m having fun, but it is a lot of work… and more tiring than I would have expected.

Parker is taking photography this trimester, and he is doing really well! I took the picture of Parker with his longboard, but he took the sunset photos. There was smoke in the air, so the sunset was beautiful. He did a great job at capturing the beauty. I just got back from parent teacher conferences, and all his teachers just love him! That is always good to hear! Well, I’m off to another appointment… I hope to blog more soon!

3 months!!!

Can you believe it’s been 3 months since I posted? I can… Life has been crazy. I’ll try to put a quick update because there is no way I can fill you in on EVERYTHING.

THESE ARE NOT IN ORDER

1. I moved out of my apartment into a duplex (still in Sugar City)

2. Parker started 8th grade

3. I am still working at the school and completing internship hours

4. I’m never home

5. Parker broke the growth plate in his left ring finger

6. We flew to California for Parker’s dad’s wedding (I got 2 days with Kim)

7. Parker sang at his dad’s wedding

8. My cousin Kevin passed away

9. I had a birthday

10. Princess got cuter

11. I DIDN’T study for my national counselor’s exam

12. Parker is taking a photography class, and is a better photographer than me now!

13. I went to Vegas

14. Life got extremely stressful and overwhelming, so I’m back in therapy. Oh the joys.

 

A real update with pictures soon, I promise!

Happy Birthday Dad

Today my dad would turn 71. I can’t believe it’s been 11 years since I’ve seen his face. Time flies! My dad was amazing! He was sick most of my life, but he was still really strong! He loved holidays and always made them special for us. Because dad’s birthday is the day after Independence Day, I always remember us celebrating over the holiday weekend. What better way to celebrate a birthday than a parade and fireworks? I miss my dad so much, and I wish everyday I had told him I loved him more. I know he’s looking down on me from heaven… and I know he’s proud!

Happy Birthday daddy!! Love you!

Unanswered Prayers

Music means a lot to me. In the last 2 weeks I’ve spent a TON of hours at my internship site working on Medicaid credentialing. It’s a big pain in the butt (you know I love it)… well, as we work (the other intern, Derek, and I) we jam out to my itunes. Well… I do have a weakness for some country music. Garth Brooks is one artist I love. I grew up listening to him, and I think his music is beautiful. So, ask Derek and I were working and jamming and this song came on (Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks). It really made me think (which I’ve been doing a lot of lately). Thanking God for unanswered prayers? What is that all about? But then I started to think about all of my “unanswered prayers” and I began to understand the meaning of this song. When I married Bronson I immediately wanted children. As a youngster I always wanted to be a mom. I begged God to give me a baby. I prayed everyday, I took fertility drugs, I took my temperature, I ate healthy, I tried to lose weight…. but no baby. I got so angry with God. How could He put children in abusive homes, but not one in my home? I would love the baby more than anything in the world. I was sad and angry and confused and hurt. It hurt Bronson too. He became angry with me because I couldn’t give him a child. It caused a lot of contention in our marriage. How could God do this to us? Then December 3, 2003 happened. Bronson was arrested for sexual abuse. The home I wanted to bring a baby into would HAVE been abusive. How was I supposed to know my husband was a predator? I went from baby hungry to the absolute opposite. I vowed I would NEVER have children. How could I trust my instinct? How could I guarantee this child would have a loving father? As I listen to this Garth Brooks song I get it… and I thank God for answering a prayer I didn’t know I had prayed yet. I can’t imagine what life would be like if I had a child with Bronson… So I am thanking God for my unanswered prayer. He really does know it all. I go back and forth with my belief in God, but honestly… how can there not be a God? And now Parker has come into my life and it is the most amazing, complicated experience.

So, I think I’m going to stick with the song theme for awhile. So many times I hear a song that speaks to me… So look forward to it I can’t believe tomorrow is July 1st! Time is flying by!!! I have to pay for my National Counselors Exam tomorrow……… $320…. I take it in October… I better pass! More to come about that soon.

The Man in the Mirror

I had this song in my head all night last night. Then when I woke up this morning I realized it was the anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death. Weird. But I started really thinking about these lyrics and what they mean to me. I am an aspiring therapist. I hope to encourage change in thousands, millions, billions of people (okay, maybe just 10 or 11)… but how can I do that if I don’t change myself first. As a matter of fact, I AM the ONLY person I CAN change! It’s kind of funny too, because every day this week I’ve woken up HAPPY. Tired, worn out from internship, groggy, but HAPPY. I have a song in my head every morning. I truly believe this change has come from inside… I’ve finally decided that I can be happy no matter my past or future. Today can be good. Yes, there are bills to pay and groceries to buy and all that real life stuff, but that’s just stuff. It doesn’t have to change my mood. The stress comes, and I can easily breathe through it. This doesn’t mean I’m not going to have those days where I am anxious, sad, stressed, exhausted, etc.… I will. But it’s nice to know that I am capable of being happy, of moving on from the shit in my past and being happy. I’m turning 29 in a few months, and I realized a while back that I’m ALMOST 30. I know 30 doesn’t seem like a big number to most, but to me I can look back on my “bucket list” and realize ALL the things I wanted to accomplish before 30. And guess what? I’m accomplishing them!!! Okay, I don’t own a Mustang and I haven’t been to Africa… but I’ll have a Master’s degree, I have a great support system, I’m starting to become social and have friends, I’m capable of loving someone more than myself (Parker), I’ve overcome many fears (by 30 spiders won’t make me scream, promise!)… So you see, it isn’t about owning a mustang or being out of debt! What an amazing concept. It really is about today and what I have right now… For instance, right now I have a cold Diet Coke in front of me, a cute, warm dog at my feet, music in the background, and sun shining through the windows. What more could I ask for??? Some would say I could ask for a lot… And I could! I mean, come on… wouldn’t a hunky guy on my arm top it off? NO! I have exactly what I need right now, in this moment. Sappy? Yep. I’m feeling sappy this week! The change in me is wonderful… small, baby steps are happening every minute! I even bought a shirt yesterday that I would have NEVER worn before! It’s very cute, but it’s more flashy than I’m used to wearing. I’m used to hiding… to not wear anything that would draw attention to me… and now, I bought a shirt that I liked, no matter the color or design or what other people might think… And I bought super cute fish earrings that are way more dangly than I normally wear… But I rocked those earrings yesterday, and guess what??? I got A LOT of compliments! And I accepted those compliments! I’ve spent many, many years in therapy. I’ve had some horrible therapists and 2 amazing ones. But even though they are amazing therapists, they couldn’t get me to see this! They tried, oh Lord they tried… but it was up to me ALL THE TIME! I was expecting THEM to change ME! What a funny concept that is to me now. And maybe the change is that I’m in their chair now. I SEE my clients begging me to change them… and I know I can’t change them. I can sit with them through their journey. I can guide and facilitate change… but I cannot change them. That is hard, but I know that it won’t stick if I do it for them. OBVIOUSLY! Because look at me! I’m sure that my therapists wanted to scream at me sometimes… “LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE, LOOK AT HOW FAR YOU’VE COME, CAN’T YOU SEE!!!!!!” But it wouldn’t have helped because I DIDN’T see! I was blind to my own mental health and wellness. I’m not saying I won’t have “those days”… but honestly, after feeling good for 1 full week, I can’t imagine going back to the depressed, hermit I once was. What made this change? Therapy, Prozac, summer, being a therapist? Probably ALL of the above. I’m not ashamed of being in therapy (and I may still need it in the future, so I’m not discounting it now), I’m not ashamed of needing an anti-depressant for now (maybe forever), I’m not ashamed that I had a past that sucked. Today is a new day. So there is your sap. I know… me, sappy? Who would have thought? Oh, and on Thursday I cried. Yep, cried. A friend was leaning on me for support as his family struggled though some tough times… and I cried with him. And I wasn’t ashamed! It actually felt good, and it comforted my friend. So, thank you Michael Jackson for your song. Thank you N and J for your wisdom (even though I didn’t get any of it until now), thank you everyone for sticking by me even when I was a sad, lonely person. I’m going to change the world… but I’m starting with me.

“I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change”

P.S. I miss Parker but I’m dealing and internship is FABULOUS! I’ll write a Parker/internship update soon

Another school year almost over!

Well, Another school year has come and gone (almost). It amazes me how fast time can fly! This school year was really challenging for me. Partly because of burnout, but partly because I started my internship and I got SUPER busy and stressed out. BUT, also because I realize that counseling is ALL I want to do… so going to work as a PSR worker seems lame compared to being a counselor! I have a FABULOUS boss though! He let me take 2 days off per week for the last month and a half. It really helped my stress level! I also ♥ the people I work with. If it weren’t for them, I don’t know if I would have survived the year! I really have a  hard time believing that Friday is the last day! The kids are all getting antsy and bored and READY for summer… And so are the teachers! Parker has had a REALLY great 7th grade year. He has made a TON of friends and has gotten A’s and B’s the entire year! He has matured so much over this school year. He annoys amazes me daily! He is a teenager, and we have our struggles, but overall he is a really good boy.

On June 2nd my brother Chuck, his wife Sasha and their 2 girls Marisa and Rosie are coming from Albuquerque NM. My sister Kim and her boyfriend Coady and their girls Rebecca and Emily are coming too! It is going to be SO FUN! I hardly ever get to see my nieces and I miss them like crazy! Rosie is 2 1/2 and I’ve only seen her twice! I am so excited to take a billion pictures! It doesn’t feel like summer yet, but I’m hoping it warms up for when they are here. They aren’t used to the cold!

I will be taking the National Counselor’s Exam (NCE) in October. This exam is the big deal! If When I pass, I will be able to graduate and be licensed in December! I am SO excited! I can’t wait to have my Masters Degree!! This has been a LONG road, but SO WORTH it! Well, I guess I’ll go now. I just hadn’t blogged in awhile, so I thought I’d brag chat a bit.

I ♥ having summers off!!! All I will do this summer is intern, and I ♥♥♥ my internship!!!!!!

Sunday afternoon fun… What a goof!

What is a mother?

What makes a mother? Am I a mother? Mother’s Day makes me think about this question. I have been Parker’s caregiver for 15 months. Most days I feel like a mom. I do everything I can to care for him and be there for him… but I am not his biological mother, or even his adoptive mother. I’m just Aunt Kendra. But I FEEL like a mother. Does that make me a mother? I don’t know, I’ve felt a little depressed today. I have an amazing mother. She has been there for me through good and bad. She supports me and cares for me. She is just the best! I have never really wanted to be a mother. I have those days, when I wish I had kids… but mostly I don’t want my own kids. But, when Parker came to live with me 15 moths ago my life changed dramatically. I became an instant caregiver/mom. Parker celebrated Mother’s Day with me. He gave me a foot rub and made me posters… He gave me pineapple in bed. So, for today I’m celebrating being a mother. I’m celebrating the fact that there is someone in my life that I care for more than myself. Someone I put before me. Okay, well that’s all I really had to say. I’m exhausted…. Life is busy. Blah. The end.