Unanswered Prayers

Music means a lot to me. In the last 2 weeks I’ve spent a TON of hours at my internship site working on Medicaid credentialing. It’s a big pain in the butt (you know I love it)… well, as we work (the other intern, Derek, and I) we jam out to my itunes. Well… I do have a weakness for some country music. Garth Brooks is one artist I love. I grew up listening to him, and I think his music is beautiful. So, ask Derek and I were working and jamming and this song came on (Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks). It really made me think (which I’ve been doing a lot of lately). Thanking God for unanswered prayers? What is that all about? But then I started to think about all of my “unanswered prayers” and I began to understand the meaning of this song. When I married Bronson I immediately wanted children. As a youngster I always wanted to be a mom. I begged God to give me a baby. I prayed everyday, I took fertility drugs, I took my temperature, I ate healthy, I tried to lose weight…. but no baby. I got so angry with God. How could He put children in abusive homes, but not one in my home? I would love the baby more than anything in the world. I was sad and angry and confused and hurt. It hurt Bronson too. He became angry with me because I couldn’t give him a child. It caused a lot of contention in our marriage. How could God do this to us? Then December 3, 2003 happened. Bronson was arrested for sexual abuse. The home I wanted to bring a baby into would HAVE been abusive. How was I supposed to know my husband was a predator? I went from baby hungry to the absolute opposite. I vowed I would NEVER have children. How could I trust my instinct? How could I guarantee this child would have a loving father? As I listen to this Garth Brooks song I get it… and I thank God for answering a prayer I didn’t know I had prayed yet. I can’t imagine what life would be like if I had a child with Bronson… So I am thanking God for my unanswered prayer. He really does know it all. I go back and forth with my belief in God, but honestly… how can there not be a God? And now Parker has come into my life and it is the most amazing, complicated experience.

So, I think I’m going to stick with the song theme for awhile. So many times I hear a song that speaks to me… So look forward to it I can’t believe tomorrow is July 1st! Time is flying by!!! I have to pay for my National Counselors Exam tomorrow……… $320…. I take it in October… I better pass! More to come about that soon.