Today is a day I can remember those who have died. I don't know anyone personally who has died during military service... but I do know a lot of people who have died. Yesterday I went to my dad's grave to leave flowers. I struggle everytime I go, because I still cannot believe he is really gone. He died 8 years ago, and I still wait for a phone call from him. I am in denial, yes. I don't know how to "get over it". I have tried writing letters to him in "heaven" and all that jazz, but for those of you who have known me longer than 10 minutes, you know I struggle with the belief in God and heaven. Is this why I struggle so much? Isn't believing in reincarnation good enough? Do I need to believe in God? I don't know the answer... I haven't even gotten to this place in therapy. How can I deal with the death of loved ones, when I can't even work out the shiz in my head? I have to be okay with the past to be okay with the future, and I don't see that happening...... So I continue to pay $90 an hour to someone who claims they have the allknowing fixit manual.
My soul continues to be under construction. Someday I'll be okay with this.
2 comments:
Death is baffling to me. What are we supposed to do and feel when (and after) people die? I have yet to figure this out... I know perfectly well that mental health professionals insist that no one is ever "supposed" to feel any certain way... but I'm a skeptic.
P.S. For eighty dollars an hour, do you think I'm getting a deal?
Death is baffling.
eighty dollars an hour is a great deal! :)
In Utah I was getting free therapy..... I am getting poorer by the minute here in Idaho...
:)
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