My mom and I took a quick trip to California last weekend. My sister just bought a new house, so we thought we would drove over and see it. The drive was LONG and HOT... but it was fun to see my sister and her kids. We spent most of the time in the pool because it was too hot to do anything else. I can't believe how fast my nieces and nephew are growing. Every time I see them I swear they have grown 5 inches! My oldest niece Rebecca will turn 15 in November! I can't believe it. (Is anyone reading this that remembers "bungee"! Yep, same little girl!) She will start high school, and she definitely has the attitude of an almost 15 year old! She may be tiny, but her attitude is full grown!! I love her though, she keeps me on my toes. She is so honest and innocent. Emily will turn 13 on the 31st. Another teenager! Because of Rebecca's disorder, she is much younger than her age... Emily on the other hand is most definitely 13!! She spends her time texting, standing in front of the mirror, shopping, and wishing for more skinny jeans... She is a fun girl to be around! Parker just turned 12, and is a sweetheart. There is something about Parker that I can't explain, he is just a sweet spirit. He is smart and athetic and super cute, but he is also pure and innocent. ANYWAY... I love those kids!! They are growing up wayyyy too fast!
So I decided recently to take a "holiday" from facebook. I do enjoy keeping in touch with my friends and family, but I find it really impersonal and frustrating. I dislike drama, and I feel like that is all that happens lately. I'll go back to it, but for now I just need to take a break... it is hard to explain...
Well, probably everybody knows that I am sometimes pretty crazy. Lately, that craziness has been creeping back. I really do try to be a happy upbeat person, but it is hard sometimes. I feel very isolated right now, like I'm stuck in a bubble and nobody is allowed in. I try to put myself out there, make friends, but my efforts fail. I'm just not a very social person, even though I really wish I was. The summer is getting long and hot, and as much as I love the time off work... I'm ready to get back. I feel at home helping people, helping the kids at school. Even if my influence is small, I hope to make lasting impressions on their lives. Recently, through facebook, I was reunited with my old high school counselor. High school for me was not easy, not because I wasn't smart enough, but because I didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with daily life. I spent many a day in her office, along with other kids who were social misfits, talking and escaping. I hope that the kids I work with will be able to look back to my time with them and feel as though I added something positive to their lives. I've been thinking back a lot, which isn't something I like doing, but I think it is necessary. There is so much heartache in the past, and recently it has been eating at me... making me feel down in the dumps. I'm not anywhere near as crazy as I was 4 or 5 years ago, but I feel it creeping up, like an old habit. It scares me. 4 weeks ago I quit therapy, which at the time I felt really great about... I really thought I was ready to handle life on my own. I was ready to embrace the present and rock at life....... but, I fear the rocking isn't happening. So, I have a dilemma... Do I swallow my pride and call my therapist, or do I try working through this on my own?? I don't know.
On a good note, I went to the back doctor and he scheduled a epidural injection. I had one about a year ago, and they really do work for a few months. It will at least give me some short-term comfort. I've also decided that when my back starts to feel better I am going to start running. It has been a dream of mine to run a marathon, or at least a 5K, so hopefully by next summer I'll be in good enough shape to do so.
Sorry to be such a downer... I just had to get that off my chest.
Oh, happy late Pioneer Day to my Utah friends :-)
Hopefully my next blog will be full of smiles and sunshine!
