Life

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Sometimes life is unfair…

Okay, so I know this post is going to be a downer… But at least I warned you! Just like the title says, sometimes life isn’t fair. Good people get sick and die and “bad” people get healthier and richer. The other day I found out David (My friend that has been in the hospital with Meningitis and brain abscesses) has permanent brain damage. He has a hole in the left side of the brain, and pretty severe damage to the whole left side of his brain. While talking with Lori (his wife, and my 2nd mom) I found out that the left side of our brain helps us with reasoning and emotions. Although he has relearned to walk, and can say a few words (and will probably be able to speak more as time goes), he will have to have 24 hour supervision either at home with a healthcare nurse or in some kind of institution. Of course their insurance only pays for 60 days in inpatient rehab… So the money thing is going to be a big issue. David will most likely function at a 7ish year old level for the rest of his life. Lori’s older boys understand, they are adults and can understand how the brain works and what the healing process entails. Their younger boys however are only 5 and 7. How will they understand that their father is alive, but doesn’t know how to be a father? How will they adjust to life with a dad that doesn’t remember them much of the time? Who can’t help with their homework and cuddle them when they are sad? Of course a miracle could happen… Miracles do happen, I have seen them… But I have to be realistic. I have to prepare myself. I have to be okay with having a friend (and father-figure) that has brain damage, and will most likely not remember me or the times we spent together. I want to be a support for Lori and her boys. I want to be someone they can turn to when they don’t think they can handle it anymore. But before I can do that, I have to grieve the loss of a friend but also celebrate the fact that Davis IS alive! He is alive! He will continue to bless us in many ways, even if it isn’t the way we wish it could be. I’m getting to a place where I can be okay, but I’m not there yet. When I think about life for the Duke family, I cry. I cry because they DON’T deserve it… Because they are GOOD people. People who believe and trust in God more than anyone I know. They have good hearts and they do the right thing, always. I guess life isn’t fair… but I wish in this case it were.

Yesterday after work I logged into Facebook and found that a friend from high school passed away. I don’t know how he died, but I do know that he left behind a wife and a one year-old little boy. I know that he was always nice to me in school, even when other kids weren’t. He was probably a good husband and father (I haven’t seen him since high school… So I’m just guessing). Even though we weren’t close friends, we didn’t “hang out” in high school… We didn’t keep in touch after high school… I grieve. I grieve because so many people I went to high school with, some I was close to and some I wasn’t, have died. They have died young, TOO young. They have left behind parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, wives, husbands, and children. They have left behind the people who knew them, that respected them, that loved them. Bret Blakey was only 27 years old. He has left behind his wife and small child. I grieve for his family.

Working with the kids at school makes me realize more than anything that life isn’t fair. The kids I work with have some kind of behavioral or emotional “disturbance”… Most of them (not all) have been abused, abandoned, neglected, starved, lied to, etc… Although they are pretty naughty kids I can’t help but think about their life at home. I can’t help but want to hug them and tell them everything will be okay….. But everything WON’T be okay. Their lives are hell and there is nothing that I can do about it. It makes me angry, ANGRY! Their parents keep custody of the kids and no consequences are ever given. Why do the bad people get all the glory? Why do the faithful and loving have so many more trials?

I wish I knew…

Friday, January 8, 2010

Kids say the darndest things

I have had a hell week! Work has been a nightmare! My sixth grade “client” has been SO naughty! He won’t do anything and is so defiant and disrespectful! I am just at my wits end with him… He told me today that I am “ruining his life”, that he is naughty because of me, that he hates me, and that I am “insulting” him (etc, etc, etc). I just laugh and brush it off… I mean, he’s 12! But, after awhile I do start to take it personally. It makes me feel inadequate at my job when I can’t control his behavior. I was totally fishing for a compliment and/or validation from the principal today… I said, “I SUCK at my job!” (thinking of course that she would say, “no, no, you are doing great!) NO, she didn’t say ANYTHING! So much for that fishing trip!

Well, to make it better my little 3rd grade client was telling me all about how he was going to capture a tiger (and I mean, this was an IN-DEPTH story!) He told me that he was going to name it Kendra, after me of course! UNLESS, it were a mean tiger… Then he wouldn’t… because “you’re not mean”…… What a tender little boy! Well, he can throw one heck of a tantrum, but lately he’s been just sweet and loving! I’m glad to know that I’m only ruining one student’s life!

I hope next week will be BETTER! I HOPE, HOPE, HOPE!!! (or maybe we could get a snow and/or cold day… PLEASE!)

I’m currently reading “Number the Stars by Lois Lowry. I read it when I was a little tyke… decided I wanted to read it again.

I’m going to write a lot juicier, personal stuff if I ever get readers/stalkers/comments :) hint, hint :)

I just think it’s lame to write about troubles and life and personal stuff when I can’t get some advice! :)

So, yeah.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

A horrible book…

Okay, by now you’ve probably figured out that I LOVE books… I often read psychology or self-help books… Regardless of my past, I’ve been able to read books that may be triggering without problems. My therapist always recommends I DON’T read books about abuse, self-injury, and trauma, because it could be triggering… but I’ve always gone against his wisdom and read them anyway… NEVER had an issue… LOVE these kinds of books. I love them mostly because they give me strength to keep on keepin’ on… But, yesterday I read the book “Push” By Sapphire. The new movie “Precious” (not being shown in Idaho) is based on this book. It is a book about a “learning challenged” student who is raped by her father and births 2 children before 16. I won’t go into details, but it is a GRAPHIC book. I didn’t think it would be too bad, I mean… they made a movie out of it, so how bad could it be?? BAD! This book is triggering!!! I had to finish reading it, because… well, I started it. But it was horrible. It was sad and disturbing and awful. I don’t know HOW in the world they would ever make a movie out of it. I hated the book. It was 10 times worse than “The Color Purple” (which was pretty dang sad!) So, I give it a 7/10 on writing quality, but a 1/10 for substance. Blah!

P.S. It is COLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD! It was –19 this morning… It has to be –20 to get out of school/work… and trust me, our superintendent is a STICKLER about it… So we were at work today. I hope tomorrow is EVEN colder so I can SLEEP IN!!! :)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The Last Lecture

Have you read this book? Well, I just finished it… and I thought it was GREAT! I bought the book 6 or so months ago, but because of graduate school reading, I put it on my shelf and forgot about it. Well, because I read too much when I’m not in school I ran out of books to read! So, I searched my shelf for something to re-read while my mom read Push (a book I ordered from Amazon but let my mom read first). So, as I’m perusing my bookshelf, this book catches my eye. It was like Christmas morning to find a book in MY HOUSE that I haven’t read! So… Of course I read it (DUH). I’ve heard a couple of professors give a “Last Lecture”. Usually it goes something like, “fulfill your dreams, you can do it, I’m awesome, and I quit!” So, I didn’t have too high expectations for the book. I honestly bought it because it was so popular (SO LAME, I know!) Now that I am finished with the book I can see WHY it is so popular. Randy Pausch was an amazing man. It was painful to read knowing this poor guy died of a painful, incurable cancer. He left behind a wife and 3 SMALL children, but he also left behind a lot more! His views on “childhood dreams” is magical. It makes me remember all of the things I wanted to be when I “grew up”. Still today I have small dreams of who I want to be or what I want to do… but why can’t I do them? A little hope and a lot of hard work, and I can make it! This guy is a cheerleader for a lot of people, including me! Some parts of the book are technical, funny, and sad… and I wanted to cry at the end for his children that will never know him… but I also had to be happy that he could leave an important message before he left this world. I KNOW this is a SUPER sappy post, but really… Sometimes I need little reminders that my life could SUCK so much worse. I need to be thankful for my family, health, education, and dreams. I need to live because so many people die too young. I don’t want to waste my precious time being depressed or glum… because some people don’t have a chance to achieve all the things I want to!

I’m not going to say that this is the BEST book I’ve ever read… it isn’t…. but it is a book that will stick with me. I give it 7.5/10 (but it probably deserves a 9 on the emotional scale) :) So, I do recommend this book… and not just because it’s popular!!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

First book reviews of the year…

I am not a person who can read and enjoy a book over a few weeks… I have to read a book in a day (2 if it’s long). I hate reading a chapter and putting it down. Because of this, I only read when I know I have enough time to read the entire book (or at least a good long portion of it). If I were interested in reading Harry Potter (which I am not) I would have to read the entire series over a weeks time. This isn’t always easy, especially when I’m taking classes… but since I’m on the tail end of Christmas vacation, I decided to read a few books. First, I read “Shattered Silence” by Melissa G. Moore. This book is written by the daughter of a serial killer (The Happy Face Killer). I got it for Christmas, and was excited to read it! This is one I read in just a few hours. It kept my attention from the first page. (I was excited that it was published in Springville, UT… My home town). In this book, the author (Melissa) explains her suffering, but it isn’t in a way that is normal “I hate my life, I’m going to attempt suicide and drinking and drugs all at once” type of autobiography. Trust me, I have read a lot of books that are like that… and I like most of them… However, I enjoyed the positive attitude the author has throughout her most depressing life. Throughout most of the book I was wishing I was her… Not with a serial killer dad and abusive step-father and that bit… but I wished I had her positive outlook on life… her intuition! Her intuition and positive attitude drew me in, made me understand that life may suck at times… but I am ultimately in control of what happens, and how I handle it. This was not a self-help book… it was an autobiography… but I most def want to get my money back for the nonsense Dr. Phil writes about (no offense Dr. Phil, I still love you). I seriously-so-seriously will probably read this book a couple more times! It gets a 9.5/10 on my review scale! (which by the way means nothing!) :)

Next up, I read “Breathless” by Dean Koontz. This book was a FAST read… and if you read Koontz and appreciate his light humor and animal loving self… you will love this book. The book is about a single man with a lovely dog who comes across a mystery in the animal kingdom. Along with a Veterinarian friend and others they go on a search to figure it out…. BUT at the same time other mysteries are happening around the country… These mysteries may or may not be connected to the single man’s discovery. I really can’t describe it anymore without giving it away! If you have never read any of Koontz’s books, it may be a little far fetched for you… but if you’ve enjoyed the Odd Thomas series or “Your Heart Belongs To Me” or any others like those, you will appreciate this book. Koontz has a way with words, they are like candy to my mind… That sounds corny, but it’s true! I LOVE LOVE LOVE the way Koontz describes characters, animals, and eerie situations! So, if you are a Koontz fan, it’s great! If you aren’t, I still think you’ll like the light nature and mystery in it. It does keep you guessing! My rating 8/10.

Last, but not least… I re-read “Speak” By Laurie Halse Anderson. Anyone who has known me longer than a few days knows I love to read Young Adult literature. Maybe it’s because I’m a kid at heart, or maybe it’s because they are fast and light (well, most of them), I’m not sure of the reason exactly, but I read a lot! I love the “Magik” series and all the books by Ellen Hopkins (She writes some MAD rhymes!) Anyway… Speak might be considered a Young Adult book… but who cares? It’s GOOD. It’s about a young girl who calls the cops at a high school party. Her ninth grade year SUCKS because of it… Nobody likes her, and to top it off she does not speak. Her parents get SUPER frustrated, along with the teachers (like Mr. Neck who sounds like a total d-bag!) I have read this book before, but read it again today… I don’t know why I picked that book out of the hundreds I have, but it lifted my mood a little. It reminds me of how I need to be… Not a speechless girl, but a strong, independent woman. It is a really great book, and I recently recommended it to my 15 year old cousin. It isn’t a “bad” (by bad, I mean in a parents eyes) book… it is true (well, I think it’s fiction…) But it is true in the sense that people can relate to it!! I sure do! I give this a 10/10 for shiz!

Thursday, December 31, 2009

A new template and new resolutions

Last year I decided I wasn’t going to share my resolutions. I didn’t think it was important for anyone to know my deepest wishes and wants. Throughout this year I have changed a lot, mentally and emotionally. I have realized some great… and not so great things about myself, but I’m not afraid to share these with my friends (the 2 people who read this blog) :) So, for your reading enjoyment, my 2010 New Year Resolutions:

1. Volunteer. I love people. I love helping people. I have volunteered short-term at many places (crisis line, daycares, summer reading programs, etc) but I’ve never actually been a “volunteer”… Somewhere important, somewhere where I can make a real difference… So, I am going to call places Monday and set something up! And volunteer ALL year!

2. Be more positive! I have found over the past year that I am a Negative-Nelly. I tend to see the glass half empty, and I don’t like it! I want to be a lot more positive in 2010! Which means less gossip and more compliments!

3. Be more active. I am NOT making a resolution to exercise… I know for a fact that I am SO stubborn I will NOT exercise just because I made a goal of it. Really, I just want to be more active. I want to take Princess on more walks. I want to spend more time playing with the kids at school instead of just watching them play. I want to see the sights of Idaho (when it isn’t –20 outside!)

4. Eat more vegetables! Pretty self explanatory… I do pretty well, but I want to get more of the food groups in my diet. (which also means, less sugar… I mean… I am diabetic!)

5. Less procrastination!! It’s not working out to save 15-10 page papers until the day they are due! It makes me crazy! And crazy I DON’T want to be! :)

6. Be more responsible with my money! I am VERY frivolous! I spend money on the dumbest stuff… seriously! I need to cut my spending A LOT… and pay off bills… and SAVE. For now, spend less and pay more debt!

7, Finish therapy. I mean, I know it isn’t something you would normally be able to do… but I am so close, really. So many of my “issues” have been worked through… and I am HAPPY…… really! I know there are just a few more things I need to work through, but I think 2010 is the year!

8. Get more in touch with my spirituality. I am Buddhist, but this isn’t entirely the case. Although I find Buddhism to peaceful and accepting. But, part of the reason I like Buddhism is because it takes away my fear of God. Fear may sound like the wrong word… and maybe it is, but I fear there is not a God, and on the other hand I fear there is a God, because I don’t understand what that means. Does this make sense? Probably not! But, I need to figure this all out for myself!

9. Journal more. I use to write in a journal EVERYDAY, no matter what. Lately, I have really slacked off in that department… So… I resolve to write everyday, again.

10. Be less OCD. Because it’s December 31st and my resolutions don’t officially start until tomorrow… I can add a 10th resolution because if it weren’t even I’d go nuts…. But tomorrow, I resolve to be less “OCD” :)

There you go :) HAPPY NEW YEAR! LET’S HOPE 2010 IS WAY BETTER THAN 2000!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Saying Goodbye to 2009 (lots of pictures!)

Ten years ago I graduated high school, got married, and lost my dad :( Let’s hope 2010 is MUCH better than 2000! Last year I posted all the great photos from 2008. So… Might as well carry on the tradition, as well as mention a few resolutions… So, here you go (the 2.5 people who read this blog!)

I went to New Mexico with my entire family (to visit my brother, his wife, and 2 daughters). My sister and her 3 kids flew in. This is me with Emily, Parker, and Rebecca. Aren’t they cute?!

My brother Chuck holding Marisa (who is 5) and Sasha holding baby Rosie (she was 2 weeks old in the photo… she’s 9 months old now!)

I went to the Baby Animal fair where I held a ~~baby~~ snake! Totally nast people!

I went to my first Residency for graduate school in Atlanta Georgia… I ate Chicken and Waffles at “Gladys Knight Chicken and Waffles”. Yum. I also ate Collard Greens. Which are amazing, and I damn Idaho for not having them!