I haven’t written many blogs that are personal. I guess I just worry that people will think of me differently… maybe I hope people will view me differently. Anyway…. Anyone who knows me probably knows that I have spent a lot of time in therapy. I started therapy when I was about 8, and have been going ever since (on and off anyway). Therapy has been pretty good for me… I have had a few loser therapists… but overall they have been pretty competent. I want to be a therapist… so I understand the theory of it all… but I hate being on the couch. They all look the same, blue or green, mostly with plaid or stripes. The degrees and awards on the wall. The one or two family photos. A plant (fake 99% of the time), and the therapist with the sensible shoes and matching socks, the casual but not so casual shirt… It all looks the same. It all feels the same. and I FEEL the same. Unable to talk about the shit that is really in my head. I avoid those topics by small talking… talking about college or the movies I’ve seen and books I’ve read. I talk about the people that bug me, but not the roots of it all. I don’t talk about my past, because that is exactly the stuff I want to keep to myself. So… what exactly has 20 years of therapy and thousands of dollars given me? NOTHING! But I’m okay most of the time. I’ve gotten rid of many bad habits, and have possibly gained some good habits. Is this making sense? I’m afraid it probably doesn’t. My session Friday sucked… I mean, really sucked. Not because “J” sucks… but because talking sucks. So, I think I need a break… like a LONNNGGGG break! So. Yes. I’m done with therapy. I want to be the therapist with the sensible shoes and degrees on the wall but I DO NOT want to be on the ugly couch any longer. Yes, I do know this post makes no sense… I’ll work on being more clear the next time I write something personal :)
PS. I ♥ my new blog design. What do you think?
5 comments:
I haven't been commenting because I've been trying to restrain myself from spending too much time on blogs; but since I had to come to your actual blog to see the new design anyway (which I do indeed like), I guess I shall comment!
Um, so here is my great insight into the matter: You therapists have all worn sensible shoes? Mine totally haven't! I mean the men have, but not all the women--I even had one therapist who I think wore high heels every single time I ever saw her, which was a lot.
Also, hi there in general! I've mostly kept up with your blog even if I haven't been commenting, and I like reading about what you're doing.... maybe I'll have to send you an email some time about what I'm doing these days, but only if you can handle evidence that all that therapy never did turn me into a Normatively Acceptable Human Being....
I like it too.
Oh Abby I've missed your comments! Well, I have only had one female therapist, so maybe they wouldn't wear sensible shoes?? Psychiatrists are another story though.... crazy clothes and earrings! :) I can't handle you not being a Normatively Acceptable Human Being... Therapy hasn't done much for me either :)
If everyone were "normal" (can someone define normal for me?)what a boring world it would be ;)
I'm back to say that earlier tonight, in a class I'm TAing for, a favorite professor of mine was giving the usual lecture on how gender is something people do. I was just kind of listening along and admiring her talent for making things I'm already well aware of seem overwhelmingly entertaining... and then she started talking about how she always wears high heels! I of course was aware of that too, but until now I'd never made any connection between her high heels and the fact that she's also a practicing clinical psychologist--and I know I'm totally just looking for data to confirm my hypothesis, but hey, at least I'm finding it!
Also, wait, you can't? (I'm thinking from the context that's maybe I typo.)
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