February is a hard month for me. Not only is it the month of Valentine’s Day (which isn’t any fun when you are single), but there is a bunch of other anniversary type days this month. February 18, 2000 I married my high school sweetheart. I don’t think anyone gets married thinking they will divorce, I know I didn’t. Bronson was honestly the greatest guy while we were dating. He was respectful and caring and giving. Unfortunately, it didn’t last. After 4 years of marriage we divorced (for yucky reasons). February 18th this year would be our 11 year anniversary. Even though we’ve been divorced 7 years, its hard. Should it be? I don’t know, but it is. It gets easier every year. I don’t regret the divorce. I don’t love Bronson anymore. But I miss being married. I miss having a companion. I miss cuddling, kissing, traveling, talking, and the consistency and support from a man. 17 was too young to get married!
February 29, 2000 my dad died from a heart attack. I had been married 9 days. I grew up with a sick dad. When I was 7 he had a triple bypass surgery and told him he would probably only live 3-4 more years. I got 10. I am grateful I had my dad as long as I did. 17 is too young to lose a dad. 11 years has passed, but I continue to miss him everyday. I wish he could see me now, the successful me. I think the hardest part is knowing that one of the last things my dad said to me was, “you will get married over my dead body”. I know I didn’t kill my dad (after years of therapy), but it is a hard pill to swallow, knowing how disappointed my dad was in me. I wish he could see the woman I have become. I wish he could know his grandkids. It is hard not having a definite faith in God and an afterlife. I do know that my dad suffered. He was in pain and sick for many, many years. He has to be pain free now, wherever he is.
So this February I’m going to try to think of all the great things in my life. Sometimes it gets too easy for me to wallow in my sadness. I don’t want to be sad anymore… I want to wake up knowing that I have things to live for, things that make me happy, things I love. So, of course the first thing I love is Parker. This kid has made me realize how great motherhood is. He is a goofy kid, but he is so smart and respectful and fun! Just last night we were eating out (our weekly date). The waitress commented on how mature he seems for his age. He goes out of his way to make sure I’m happy and healthy (he’s checked my temperature like 100 times since I’ve been sick). I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since he moved to Idaho to live with me! Time flies!
Isn’t he handsome?
♥ Happy February ♥
4 comments:
Kendra, I read your comment on my blog post and thought.....I love it that kendra wants to be my 'blog stalker' hee hee Its nice to know that people are actually reading what I write/post up there. I haven't been the best at it, but since reading some of yours I think I should get crackin on it.
February is a hard month for you and I can see why. You are pretty amazing can I just tell you that. WOW the things you have gone through in your life, no wonder why you are such as sweet and caring person, you empathize and feel for others in their struggles because you have experienced many of your own personal struggles.
Believe me I do understand the pain that comes from losing a love one, not that I've lost my dad (which I don't even want to think about that) but I have had some loses (2 cousins in the past 2 years, and well....one sister this October) SO HANG IN THERE. I'm still trying to figure out when that 'time' will be for me when I don't come home from work and cry over my sister death. Such is life right. It's good to know that others around you are facing similar struggles, helps buoyed you up.
O kendra I just love your stinking guts, you can stalk my blog any time you want! :-) let the stalking begin ha ha
Lacy,
You just made my day, seriously! You are such a great friend! I'm sorry to hear about your cousins and sister. It is so hard to lose someone close. I use to hate when people said "it gets easier with time"... but, it really does. For awhile I got really use to people dying (brother, aunts, grandparens, dad, etc) and I think it made me a really hard person to be around. But, it does get better. Months and years go by, and the crying lessens, even if the grief doesn't. Losing a sibling is awful. I was 12 when my brother died, so we didn't get many years to be close. I can't imagine losing my sister now as an adult. You are such a strong wonderful person! I am so glad we are getting to know each other better! You are going to be such a great mom!! I'm excited to stalk your blog some more :)
Kendra I loved this blog. Sorry it took me so long to read it. You are an amazing person and I love you more than you will ever know. I know this month is hard for you...it is for me too but remember spring is coming...
Love it. I <3 you about about your feelings. I udnerstand your hurt and agree that it get easier but that it is still hard. I love your ability to look at the good even though it is a hard month. Thinking about you this month. Keep up the GREAT work at your practicum.
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