Unanswered Prayers

Music means a lot to me. In the last 2 weeks I’ve spent a TON of hours at my internship site working on Medicaid credentialing. It’s a big pain in the butt (you know I love it)… well, as we work (the other intern, Derek, and I) we jam out to my itunes. Well… I do have a weakness for some country music. Garth Brooks is one artist I love. I grew up listening to him, and I think his music is beautiful. So, ask Derek and I were working and jamming and this song came on (Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks). It really made me think (which I’ve been doing a lot of lately). Thanking God for unanswered prayers? What is that all about? But then I started to think about all of my “unanswered prayers” and I began to understand the meaning of this song. When I married Bronson I immediately wanted children. As a youngster I always wanted to be a mom. I begged God to give me a baby. I prayed everyday, I took fertility drugs, I took my temperature, I ate healthy, I tried to lose weight…. but no baby. I got so angry with God. How could He put children in abusive homes, but not one in my home? I would love the baby more than anything in the world. I was sad and angry and confused and hurt. It hurt Bronson too. He became angry with me because I couldn’t give him a child. It caused a lot of contention in our marriage. How could God do this to us? Then December 3, 2003 happened. Bronson was arrested for sexual abuse. The home I wanted to bring a baby into would HAVE been abusive. How was I supposed to know my husband was a predator? I went from baby hungry to the absolute opposite. I vowed I would NEVER have children. How could I trust my instinct? How could I guarantee this child would have a loving father? As I listen to this Garth Brooks song I get it… and I thank God for answering a prayer I didn’t know I had prayed yet. I can’t imagine what life would be like if I had a child with Bronson… So I am thanking God for my unanswered prayer. He really does know it all. I go back and forth with my belief in God, but honestly… how can there not be a God? And now Parker has come into my life and it is the most amazing, complicated experience.

So, I think I’m going to stick with the song theme for awhile. So many times I hear a song that speaks to me… So look forward to it I can’t believe tomorrow is July 1st! Time is flying by!!! I have to pay for my National Counselors Exam tomorrow……… $320…. I take it in October… I better pass! More to come about that soon.

The Man in the Mirror

I had this song in my head all night last night. Then when I woke up this morning I realized it was the anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death. Weird. But I started really thinking about these lyrics and what they mean to me. I am an aspiring therapist. I hope to encourage change in thousands, millions, billions of people (okay, maybe just 10 or 11)… but how can I do that if I don’t change myself first. As a matter of fact, I AM the ONLY person I CAN change! It’s kind of funny too, because every day this week I’ve woken up HAPPY. Tired, worn out from internship, groggy, but HAPPY. I have a song in my head every morning. I truly believe this change has come from inside… I’ve finally decided that I can be happy no matter my past or future. Today can be good. Yes, there are bills to pay and groceries to buy and all that real life stuff, but that’s just stuff. It doesn’t have to change my mood. The stress comes, and I can easily breathe through it. This doesn’t mean I’m not going to have those days where I am anxious, sad, stressed, exhausted, etc.… I will. But it’s nice to know that I am capable of being happy, of moving on from the shit in my past and being happy. I’m turning 29 in a few months, and I realized a while back that I’m ALMOST 30. I know 30 doesn’t seem like a big number to most, but to me I can look back on my “bucket list” and realize ALL the things I wanted to accomplish before 30. And guess what? I’m accomplishing them!!! Okay, I don’t own a Mustang and I haven’t been to Africa… but I’ll have a Master’s degree, I have a great support system, I’m starting to become social and have friends, I’m capable of loving someone more than myself (Parker), I’ve overcome many fears (by 30 spiders won’t make me scream, promise!)… So you see, it isn’t about owning a mustang or being out of debt! What an amazing concept. It really is about today and what I have right now… For instance, right now I have a cold Diet Coke in front of me, a cute, warm dog at my feet, music in the background, and sun shining through the windows. What more could I ask for??? Some would say I could ask for a lot… And I could! I mean, come on… wouldn’t a hunky guy on my arm top it off? NO! I have exactly what I need right now, in this moment. Sappy? Yep. I’m feeling sappy this week! The change in me is wonderful… small, baby steps are happening every minute! I even bought a shirt yesterday that I would have NEVER worn before! It’s very cute, but it’s more flashy than I’m used to wearing. I’m used to hiding… to not wear anything that would draw attention to me… and now, I bought a shirt that I liked, no matter the color or design or what other people might think… And I bought super cute fish earrings that are way more dangly than I normally wear… But I rocked those earrings yesterday, and guess what??? I got A LOT of compliments! And I accepted those compliments! I’ve spent many, many years in therapy. I’ve had some horrible therapists and 2 amazing ones. But even though they are amazing therapists, they couldn’t get me to see this! They tried, oh Lord they tried… but it was up to me ALL THE TIME! I was expecting THEM to change ME! What a funny concept that is to me now. And maybe the change is that I’m in their chair now. I SEE my clients begging me to change them… and I know I can’t change them. I can sit with them through their journey. I can guide and facilitate change… but I cannot change them. That is hard, but I know that it won’t stick if I do it for them. OBVIOUSLY! Because look at me! I’m sure that my therapists wanted to scream at me sometimes… “LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE, LOOK AT HOW FAR YOU’VE COME, CAN’T YOU SEE!!!!!!” But it wouldn’t have helped because I DIDN’T see! I was blind to my own mental health and wellness. I’m not saying I won’t have “those days”… but honestly, after feeling good for 1 full week, I can’t imagine going back to the depressed, hermit I once was. What made this change? Therapy, Prozac, summer, being a therapist? Probably ALL of the above. I’m not ashamed of being in therapy (and I may still need it in the future, so I’m not discounting it now), I’m not ashamed of needing an anti-depressant for now (maybe forever), I’m not ashamed that I had a past that sucked. Today is a new day. So there is your sap. I know… me, sappy? Who would have thought? Oh, and on Thursday I cried. Yep, cried. A friend was leaning on me for support as his family struggled though some tough times… and I cried with him. And I wasn’t ashamed! It actually felt good, and it comforted my friend. So, thank you Michael Jackson for your song. Thank you N and J for your wisdom (even though I didn’t get any of it until now), thank you everyone for sticking by me even when I was a sad, lonely person. I’m going to change the world… but I’m starting with me.

“I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change”

P.S. I miss Parker but I’m dealing and internship is FABULOUS! I’ll write a Parker/internship update soon